Learning to be a pastor

Between Christmas and New Year's Day we took a brief trip to Sioux Falls to celebrate Christmas with my folks and sister, and to relax a little. I've heard it said from many other people before, that one never really realizes how much one needs a little break until about half way into the break.

Well, my epiphany didn't come until the third day of our trip. It was then that I finally felt relaxed enough to let all the last six months of life and ministry sink into the background a little bit. It truly felt like some Sabbath time, which I have not felt like I have had yet.

Life as a pastor is interesting in this way. There are days when I get to church and time just goes; the day is spent doing office work, visiting, getting the mail, doing more office work, visiting more, going to a meeting, etc, etc, etc. These days FLY by. Yet, on these days there is not much tangible, visible evidence that things are getting done. I feel exhausted at the end of the day, but I don't see the fruition or accomplishment of something tangible.

I often have this sense that I haven't even done anything, or I have completely wasted my entire day. That's probably the hardest emotion to deal with: the feeling that I've wasted a whole day. I know that this congregation has blessed us with a great salary, benefits, an absolutely beautiful house to live in; so with this in mind, I feel like the end of the day should not produce a feeling of waste.

And then there's another feeling that creeps up that I don't like. I have feelings of guilt when I spend an entire day in the office, doing work that hopefully keeps the organization functioning well. I know that one of my tasks as pastor is to administrate an "organization" that hosts a weekly event of about 100-115 people, in addition to all of the other activities happening throughout the month. Yet, whenever I give an entire day to doing this work, I'm always worried that I haven't given enough time to the more typical (or at least the more stereotypical) work of a pastor, such as visiting. I don't know where this feeling comes from, either.

There, that feels better. It feels good to have it out on paper or a screen where I can see it all. Perhaps these are normal feelings; perhaps I'm not the only one who deals with them. But even if they are normal, it's still important that I know that I am feeling them and I can air them out a little bit. It feels good to give these feelings a little air, even if it is only here.

With all this said, it is also important to hear that I am forgiven for my monumental waste of time and my guilt about doing the ad-ministration. Ministry must be done in all sorts of forms, and sometimes it will be a waste of time, or at least feel like it. But, I'm learning. I'm learning to be a pastor. Seminary can teach Bible, systematic theology, pastoral care theory, even some leadership; but it cannot teach a person to be a pastor. That is learned right out here. And sometimes it causes these feelings. Yet, God forgives and calls me into this life of ministry each and every day, even when it feels like a monument waste of time, I know that God is bringing about the forgiveness of sin in the world and making all things new through Jesus Christ. So, thanks be to God. Even when it feels like a waste.